Originally Posted by Strider{TSU}  k. well this is serious. and id rather have NO JOKES IN HERE.
thanks.
this thread can be for anyone with relationship problems.
im having one right now. and since GK and others "offered" to give helpful advice. im asking.
-sigh-
well i guess it started out all good. me and my gf were talking haveing a good time. i made a joke and she thought i was serious. so we stopped.
*note. shes on pms (mood swings)
anyways. she brought up that she loves me so much and shed do anything to protect me and her family. and i came back with "ud do anything but give urself up? right?"
she was all "idk what u mean by that? my virginity"
this is where i got pissed. cuz right here i thought she would. and it turns out. if it came to saving my life she let herself be raped. and that just blew my head right off. and freaked and told her the truth
"if u got raped to save my life ud only be pro-longing my death cuz id commit suicide for it being my fault." now this is when my anger goes away. and depression comes in. im so deppresd right now it aint funny. id seriously turn to drugs or alcohol right now. or even cut. since that like a drug in its own way.
anyways. just posting it out there. anything helpful would be nice. if not. just putting it out there for someone to listen is good enough i guess. thanks.
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whether advice is actually helpful or not is up to you. But what I post will be 100% straightup with you and taking you seriously. That much I can promise.
there is a lot to say here...and one post will never cover it...so consider this a START. ANd a with a few simple point or perspectives. And since you say this IS serious...then seriously believe that what I say is never meant to be PATRONIZING OR CONDESCENDING or disregarding of what you say.
This is a VERY imperfect medium and timelines do NOT always match.
ok..with that.
I will say straightup to get it out of the way...
1) you should not and do not have to that what she said THAT seriously.
yes, there is the standard line: "you are too young to blahblah..."
which has truth. but is not what I mean...
What I am saying is at
ANY AGE that kinda of conversation is overboard and speaks of a deeper problem. One that you need to know isn't gunna be solved here or with ANY one piece of "advice".
but again, we'll try.
2) so here's a perspective.
keep in mind that though she my be emotional (she is a woman you know
). you even said you are depressed. so that tells you you're gadge will be over sensitive. so with BOTH of you in that state.. EVERYTHING will feel "more".
but its not. And this too will pass. IT WILL. if you LET it.
you need to shift PARADIGMS. Clean slate that kinda convo and get to why you are even having it, and how it gets so outtahand with the original point of dating and "love".
3) not a good idea to challenge her with "you'd do anything but give yourself up".... why ask that? it SOUNDS insecure... like you don't trust her, are suspicious of her or that you want her to say "no". Lawyers might call that "entrapment"
based on what you said... you gave her a qusetion, with NO right answer.
her: "yes, I would be raped for you!" --> you: but I'd die if you did that!
her: "no, I wouldn't save your life with my body" --> "you mean you its ok if I DIE??!!"
what did you wANT her to say? WHY? Isn't there anything something wrong with this kinda convo?
best to just pose BAD hypothetical scenarios... or at LEAST start a little less dramatic:
"do I look fat in these jeans?" is a good one to start out... if you are looking for a fight without getting as far as rape and death.
or better yet...don't do the answerable questoins!!
ain't nothing wrong wth "if you could live anywhere?" type questions for getting to know someone.
2) so, its "out there". How SHOULD (I remcommd) you intrepret her answer. Focus on the POINT of what she said, not the specifics, which is very simply. To oversimpify, woman are often just looking for the support and acknowledgement, NOT the actual details and "solutions" and logically arguments of why or why not. (yes, that goes both ways, but allow me the gender bias for moment).
ie:
THE POINT: is that she cares enough about you and life that she'd be willing to sacrifice herself for you
That is an AMAZING thing. and accept, apreciate and be THANKFUL for it---ie: ACKNOWLEDGE what she is saying, but that doesn't mean you should fall into that line of "reasoning". Tell her she need never go or even should
need to think in that extreme. And sorry you made her even think it. And yes, you can say you too feel that "you'd do anything" for her (not cause its her or your fault either!
), or how you'll make it so THAT WILL NEVER EVER EVER NEED TO BE A CHOICE!!!!
And then go into the lovey dovey stuff!! or go in for the kiss or share a deep moment of eternal sacrifice for eachother. CAuse isn't THAT what you should have been going for?
but instead you go with "but then I'd die slowly outta guilt!"
no. where is THAT line of thinking going? That's gotta be your depression or something else talking.
That fact that she said the word "rape" isn't the point. She was just choosing what she (and most women) see as the most terrible thing that they could go through or have to endure. Its nothing to joke about for sure, but its also not saying "I'll go get raped to prove it".
and she might even be offended for you being pissed about her saying it...becaue it means you missed the point. And then she missed your point.
ugh.
Go back and apologize. for even the question. Acknowledge teh CONFLICT of the senario (damned if you do...damned if you don't.). And admit.... you wouldn't know what to do or how to react...cause the scenario is just TOO HORRIBLE to imagine. And it is.
love her by NOT focusing on such things.
So for heaven's sake... don't ACTIVELY bring up the scenario as a "challenge question". !!!
3) in your way, said in REVERSE... you'd sacrifice even more (your life) for her doing that. that's fine.
BUUUUUTT its not a competition of horror you can endure for each other. At least... it really SHOULDNT be. and you guys (you?) have made it one. And an overly dramatic one at that (in terms of your words to echother).
A vicious circle of:
"NO! I'd sacrifice MORE! and die and million deaths by fire!!" is not the basis of a healthy relationship...regardless how much you DO love eachother.
SOOOOOOOOO.............
go back to basics. ENJOY and appreciate and FIND fun and not "tragic" things to share about. THAT is a challenge worth your time taking up.
And do not belittle that suggestion. Cause that would be an insult to the endeavor. Becasue yes, being a "real man" and real life is about THAT. cause ANY n00b can see what is wrong or bad witha situation.
it takes some serious balls and integrity to turn any situation into something good or something to learn from...for the betterment of oneselfa nd those around you.
ie: Living. Living to the max. and being happy. And realizing... living happy is as MUCH about the path as it is the goal.
Cheesy? maybe. But correct? YES.
4) LEt me say.. I KNOW you obviously are feeling that deep about this and other things... but I do NOT think its healthy that you guys bring it to that level... without being able to see it as it is... waay overboard. if you guys love eachother you would just KNOW that...and NOT need or heck.. want to have to compete about it.
maybe you should take a step back and figure out WHY your converstaion gets to the level of Shakespearean tragedy.
Shouldn't it be about...
"that movie sucked, but that part with the elephant was hilarious!" or "freakin AWESOME concert!" or "I love you so much, I wrote you this song" or that funny inside joke only you guys know or getting made fun of completely eachothers sentences or heck, just learning abotu eachother and families etc.
that is NOT belittling comment.. that IS the GOAL. I sure as heck love those parts of my relationships...and in the end, believe it or not, those are the parts you end up remembering and appreciating MOST. NOT the fights or "who loves who and why more".
GO BACK TO BASICS.
Enjoy your youth. is not meant to be telling you are immature. Its meant to say... "cause if I were young again I wouldn't spend 10 seconds on that part". And I hate to see someone else we care about, even if as a clanmate or casual friend, regret spending all their time on things that do not need to be that serious. or SHOULD NOT be.
5) Perhaps the most important feedback. as a real opinion from a friend (ie: someone with your best interests at heart)
If you are depressed enough right now that are thinking about take action to hurt yourself or actions that can (physical) hurt others... I ask you PLEASE to immediately make a call to someone who IS CLOSE BY or a professional or hotline. 100% straightup... if I was there. I'd drive over and hang out and take ya for a burger or hangout to see what is going on.
cuase if you are thinking of turning to drugs as a problem solver or cutting or even taking your life. That is serious and real. And beg you to rethink.
and 1v1 get you to see... it CAN BE WORKED OUT. And also I can promise you the pain that suicide CAUSES to those that remain behind are real too. We have ALL these thoughts and situations that lead to them. And all need to know... it does get better. IF you let it. And even gets GREATand FUN and HAPPY once you get yourself through that dark "moment". hearing and reading your post I worry for you bro. I do. Not just for you relationship, but overall.
We are hear to listen and talk and play etc... but ultimately, this is NOT a good medium for dealing with these issues. cause as much as I'd love to think so fraggin and forums ain't enough. no matter how much we try and scrims we have.
so can I ask two direct questions?
1) why do you think your conversatoin w/ your gf exploded to such levels that rape vs death vs mortal guilt vs LOVE ( ) became such a big issue? Why you even asked her in that mode in the first place (and ask yourself if that converstaion sounds healthy to you. Cause it shouldn't. And we are happy to talk and HELP TRY to figure out why. )
second:
2) why are you depressed? more so, why do YOU think you are? specifically. I'm really asking. Maybe a fresh perspective (not necessarily advice) would help you see that it might not be as bad as you think or that there might be other alternative solutions/paths to take.
let me/us know. we're willing to listen
hit me up pm if you want to chat privately or want to delete/edit this thread elswhere.
